Letting Go

Okay. I'm (Scott) going to confess something that I've only told one other person. Well, maybe I said it to Cindy, too. I don't remember saying this to her, but I say a lot of things to her. But I recently made this admission to someone else.

When I look at my short stint as a public school teacher, I feel like I failed.

I started on the journey of teaching school with lots of ideas and lots of reasons I wanted to do it. And when I moved to teaching, lots of people said, "You will do great!" It was my dream to do it.

And then it ended. Not by my choice.
And it's never started back again.
I let all those people down. I let myself down. I failed.

Now I don't regret making the change. I absolutely know that it was the right change. I learned a lot in the two years I was a teacher. I have grown even more since that time.

I think the hardest thing I'm learning is that I must let that dream go. I cannot make it happen. I'm not supposed to make it happen.

I have to be on the journey that God has for me. And - by closing doors over and over...and over (I'm a slow learner, apparently) - He is showing me that this is not the direction for me now.

Sometimes we are called to do things for a season. My teaching season was a short one. Maybe it will come around again - or maybe not.

So maybe it's not failure. I didn't fail if I followed where He led...and am still on His path.

Right now, God has called me to a new place - a wonderful place of writing and editing as a freelancer. My schedule is very flexible. I can sleep late if I choose. I can take a day off if I choose. I can work all night if I choose. I must meet those deadlines - otherwise my schedule is my own.

That's a great gig. A dream gig. Just not the one I was expecting.

Now to Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us--to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen. (Ephesians 3:20-21)

God can do above and beyond anything I can think or imagine, beyond anything I can dream. I just must let go of my own way and embrace His ways.

Restless

"Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it?" (Isaiah 43:19)

About a year ago I (Scott) read this verse. I connected with it. I wrote it on a card and added it to my board in my office. I prayed to be ready for the new thing that God was doing.

Today, I read this verse again. I look back and think back and see some new things that God has brought to us. New opportunities. New challenges.

And yet.

I still feel that a new thing is coming. I'm restless. Anxious. Uneasy. Excited. And a little worried.

Because I think part of that new thing is me. I must be the new creation that God is working in me. And something is holding me back. Expectations. Old dreams and desires. Sin.

In writing this post, I did something that I rarely do. I started typing without a particular conclusion or overall theme in mind. While I often allow the writing (and God) to shape these words as I write, I usually have an idea of where it's going. Not so this time.

Things are restless. I don't know where we're headed. I don't know what's coming.

But an old hymn has come to mind. "Ready to go. Ready to stay. Ready my place to fill." I knew that I had mentioned it before so I looked. A year ago.

Am I in the same place as last year? Well, no. I see things that have changed, hopefully to the good. And yes. I'm still working to be content. I'm still working to let go of my own dreams and expectations. I'm working to rest in Him.

I'm restless. It's exciting and unsettling.

But - I think - it's where God is working.